What Not to Wear: 80s lady at work

For months now I have been harboring a secret fantasy. I have an imaginary project where I somehow become friends with the shoulder pad wearing, hairspray abusing lady who works at my hospital.

Now you may wonder why this has to be a fantasy. Well she doesnt work in my office and may not even work in my building but her situation is so desperate that out of the kindness of my heart I want to be her friend so I can help her...(Eat that Angelina fricking Jolie)

If that woman has stepped in a clothing store since 1983, I will eat my socks. Take today for instance. She had her hair done up in all its teased hairsprayed glory, with the big frizzy curls and the wierd split up bangs. She was wearing a wine red suit jacket, with shoulder pads, that was too tight. Just so it could match with the too-short black skirt, the suit jacket had a Black fungal looking vine on the shoulders and chest. The skirt like I mentioned was too short and too tight, with a slit up the side. To crown it off she had sheer whitish tights and her white running shoes.

Now you understand why this situation is so dire. I really desperately need to nominate this woman for 'What not to wear'. Unfortunately, the show doesnt take anonymous nominators. But if they did this is probably what I would say.


Dear Stacy and Clinton,

sometimes in life, one has to choose between what is right and what is necessary. Well this is saving the world from nuclear fall-out kind of necessary. The green house gases this woman emits every morning from her hair spray can alone is enough to show you that you would be doing the world a humanitarian favor if you took Ms. BIDMC 1983 under your wing and dragged her kicking and screaming to 2009.
I wish I had photographic evidence but you are going to have to trust me Stacy and Clinton, as much as I am trusting you.

Your sincerely,

a concerned citizen of the world.